


All the Best Men

by triste



Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Humor, M/M, Toto being her usual awesome self, at Alibaba's expense like always
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 16:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3215102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triste/pseuds/triste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“If it’s for your sake, then Toto will accept him into the pack. And if Ren Kouen ever betrays you or makes you cry, then Toto will make him suffer. But that won’t happen, because everyone is praying for Alibaba’s happiness and the loss of your virginity. We only talk shit about you because we love you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Best Men

Title: All the Best Men  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Magi  
Pairing: Kouen/Alibaba  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: None  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

This one's dedicated to all the lovely people who have left me equally lovely comments and enjoy this pairing as much as I do. Thank you! <3

~~

When Toto makes the announcement that she and Alibaba need to discuss something important, there’s only one person in the room who reacts with surprise, and that’s Alibaba himself. Olba seems to know what this is all about, because he ushers everyone else out of the room in order to leave the two of them alone together, giving the thumbs-up sign before closing the door.

Then, as if Alibaba wasn’t confused enough already, Toto grips his shoulders and leans in close.

“Don’t worry. Toto understands exactly how you feel.”

There’s only one thing Alibaba can reply to that with, and it’s an even more bewildered, “Huh?”

For once, Toto isn’t annoyed by his obtuseness. “Toto told you before, remember? About how all the best men give off a boss monkey smell. Like Olba. Like Ren Kouen.”

Alibaba stares at her blankly. “What,” is his first response. “Wait,” is his second. “How is this relevant?”

Again, Toto displays uncharacteristic patience. “It’s obvious. Once you acknowledge someone as a mate, there’s only one thing left to do.”

Alibaba isn’t sure he wants to know, but he feels like he should ask anyway. “Which is...?”

“Go to bed. Let him push you down and fill you with his–”

Alibaba breaks free with a scream, covering his ears and trying to erase that last sentence from his memory. Toto looks offended, like she doesn’t understand why Alibaba is behaving in such a fashion, but Alibaba is just as baffled by what she’s saying, if not more so, because what the hell is she talking about, and why is she sharing it with him?

“Calm down,” Toto orders, which is easier said than done. “Stop freaking out.”

How else did she expect Alibaba to respond to such advice? He’s perfectly happy living in denial, thank you very much, and would rather not think about doing animalistic... things with someone he doesn’t even like? Not that Alibaba actually *dislikes* Kouen or anything. He just... doesn’t like him in that particular way. Alibaba likes girls. He also likes cute things and small things, and Kouen is none of these. 

Besides, he does weird stuff to Alibaba’s brain and body, and Alibaba prefers not to wonder why that is. 

“Whatever this conversation is, and wherever it’s going,” Alibaba says, “can we please not bother having it?”

Toto ignores him. “It’s important,” she reiterates. “Toto must pass down this wisdom the same way Toto’s mother did with her.”

“I don’t get it,” Alibaba insists. “I don’t think I want to, either.”

Sighing, Toto plucks a banana from the table. “That’s all right. Toto will teach you. It’s one of the best ways to please your boss monkey man.” The situation becomes even more ridiculous when she waves the banana in front of Alibaba’s face. “Suck.”

“What?!” Alibaba squawks.

“Just do it.” Toto shoves the banana into his mouth. “No gagging!” she barks. “No teeth! Most importantly, don’t forget to make a sexy face!”

Alibaba’s choking and flailing leaves her unimpressed.

“That’s not sexy. Try harder.”

As Toto instructs him on how to fellate a piece of fruit, Alibaba wonders why these things only ever seem to happen to him, and why everyone in the world except for him is apparently insane and wants to make him suffer.

“Well,” Toto relents eventually, “practice makes perfect. Get good at this, and your boss monkey man will never stray.”

Alibaba just nods meekly. He’s stopped caring by now to bother trying to protest or correct her. Then Toto surprises him with a rare smile, and a pat on the head.

“You’ll be fine,” she tells him. “Toto believes in you. Toto will protect you. Toto loves you, who Olba respects so much. But Toto loves Olba the most,” she adds quickly. “Olba is all Toto’s, just like Alibaba is all Ren Kouen’s.”

He should probably deny it, or at least get upset over the idea of belonging to Kouen, but Alibaba is so used to people underestimating and making fun of him that even the smallest scrap of affection, deluded though it may be, is something worth treasuring and being grateful for. 

“But you don’t even like Kouen-san,” Alibaba points out. “So why are you doing this?”

“If it’s for your sake, then Toto will accept him into the pack. And if Ren Kouen ever betrays you or makes you cry, then Toto will make him suffer. But that won’t happen, because everyone is praying for Alibaba’s happiness and the loss of your virginity. We only talk shit about you because we love you.” 

Toto concludes their bonding session with a hug, or at least her version of one, which involves smashing Alibaba’s face into her armour plated bosom.

“There’s a famous saying in Reim,” she declares, as Alibaba gingerly checks to make sure his nose isn’t broken. “Have lots of sex, make lots of babies, and live a very long life. Do these three things, and you can’t possibly go wrong.”

“I’ll try,” Alibaba says, secretly thinking he’ll be lucky if he manages even one of them, but so touched by Toto’s kindness that he decides to ignore the revelation that his household members have been asking the gods to help him get laid. “And thanks. Really.”

Like Olba, Toto gives him a reassuring thumbs up. “Everything will be okay. Just remember to make a sexy face.”

“Sexy face,” Alibaba echoes, trying not to sound skeptical. “Right.”

“And also that controlling a boss monkey man’s dick is the best way of controlling a boss monkey man himself. Then you become the boss of a boss monkey man. Sex is wonderful. Sex is power!”

Those are the words that end up changing Alibaba’s life forever. 

 

End.


End file.
